It's been a month since I've posted and so much has happened. In some ways, it's been insanely repetitive. Work. School. Work. School. The occasional hang out with friends. More work. More school. I'm about ready to be driven insane by how inane it all is. I haven't really even done anything that I've seriously enjoyed in a long time (not counting hanging out with friends). When was the last time I touched my scrapbook supplies? Or my sewing things? Or Photoshop? Or wrote something for fun, or roleplayed? God. It's as if all my hobbies have fallen off the face of the earth. When did I get so boring?

     There are days when I just feel like saying, "Fuck it all to hell." After all, what's the use? I'm so tired and stressed out by everything this semester. My grades have to be stellar. My bank account has to stretch far enough between paychecks and the sporadic babysitting jobs. I have to keep everyone around me happy and optimistic about their own situations. I can't let anyone see how freaked out I am about my own life. People have their own worries; why add mine to the mix?

     Ughh. I don't even like admitting it on here, but I feel like I need an outlet somewhere to get it out. Elsewise, I'll explode at someone and I really don't want to take this out on someone else. No one deserves to have me unload on them just because I'm stressing out. But ugh. I'm so tired and stressed out and I'm about ready to just give up on everything. I can't even seem to regain all of my old ambitions and dreams. Even the desire to help others when I get older and become a social worker is starting to fade, which scares the hell out of me.

     If I lose that drive to help others, what do I have left to motivate and push me? Nothing.

     I don't know anymore. I haven't felt so lost and scared in such a long time.

tzaizen.

     Knowing me and knowing how crazy it always gets for me right before the new year, I figured I'd play it safe and do this now as Christmas day is slowly winding down. There are a few gifts that I actually still need to make, but I figured I would take a little break and reflect back on all the changes that came about this year. There have been so many new people in my life this year and they have brought about so many new changes in my life that, at times, I am sometimes both grateful and upset for. But life is life. And honestly? I wouldn't change mine for everything in the world.

"Year in Review" Survey for 2008

What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? 
Fail an entire semester. Balance two jobs along with college. Drive places just for the sake of driving there. Tell my parents about my personal life. Leave.

Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 
I didn't make any this year to keep. So I guess that means I kept them all.

Did anyone close to you give birth? 
Um. No one I can think of off the top of my head. 

Did anyone close to you die? 
He wasn't very close to me, but he will be missed all the same. Miss you, Stark.

What countries did you visit? 
The countries within my head. 

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? 
More freedom. Always more freedom to do what I want and to make the mistakes I need to make.

What date(s) from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 
You know.. a lot of dates will always remain etched in my memory. But I'd really rather not name them this year.

What was your biggest achievement of the year? 
Learning to speak up for myself and for having the guts to do what I think is the right thing to do right now.

What was your biggest failure? 
Not being what people expected of me. But I guess it's not really a failure.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
The flu.

What was the best thing you bought? 
   All the coffee I've bought over the course of the last six months. PS3. Random little things for people to make them smile.

Whose behavior merited celebration? 
Many.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
More appalled than depressed. But no names. Never names.

Where did most of your money go? 
To my friends. Or food.

What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
Work. Going out.

What song will always remind you of 2008? 
Taylor Swift's "Teardrops on My Guitar" and Jason Mraz's "Lucky".

Compared to this time last year, are you:
Wiser? 
Yes. I've had to grow up a lot this year. 
Healthier? 
Yes, though my current headache totally says otherwise. 
Richer? 
I'm working more. So yes. 

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Kept my mouth shut. 

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Having to deal with drama. But I think I'm done with it.

Did you fall in love in 2008? 
No, I didn't. 

How many one-night stands? 
Davis has left me, alas. So none.

What was your favorite TV program?
JON AND KATE PLUS EI8HT.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't hate. I just dislike.

What was the best book you read? 
I don't think I read any amazing new books this year. That.. really depresses me.

What was your greatest musical discovery? 
I don't think I discovered any new music. 

What did you want and get? 
Friendship. 

What did you want and not get? 
Nothing important. 

What was your favorite film of this year? 
Big Fish.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 
I celebrated a few nights early. Haha. I turned 9teen. I worked on my actual birthday.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? 
Decidedly feminine.

What kept you sane?
Driving everywhere, surprisingly.

Who did you miss? 
The people I used to be close to. 

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
You can't rely completely on anyone but yourself.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"You twist to fit the mold that I am in."

2008: Your Love Life
Single/Taken? Flyin' solo.
How many relationships did you have? Just one.
How many break ups? One.

2008: Friends and Enemies
Did you meet any new friends this year? The entire Golfland crew. :) Love you guys.
Did any of your friendships end? In a sense.
Did you dislike anyone? Yes.
Did you get into any fights? Yes.
Did you make any new enemies? Not enemies, no.
Did you resolve any fights? Yes.
Who was your closest friend? This year? In no particular order: Mina. Jenn. James. Anni. Brian. Priscilla. Gwen.

2008: The Holidays
Did you have a Valentine? Yes. :)
Did the Easter Bunny visit you? We don't celebrate Easter.
Did watch fireworks on the 4th of July? No, but only because I wasn't quite capable of sitting up. Haha.
Did you dress up for Halloween? No. :( I wanted to. Just.. didn't.
What did you do for Thanksgiving? Stayed up all the night before, talking. Then sat at home all day waiting for food.
Did you make a list of gifts for the holidays? Not for myself. Never for myself.
Did you receive what you wanted? Yes. <3
Were you good this holiday season? As good as I can be.

2008: Your Birthday
How old did you turn? 9teen.
Did you have a cake? No, actually. I don't think I did.
What did you do for your birthday? Had some fun at Zach's. :) Haha.
Did you have a party? Kind of.
Did you get any presents? A few, yes. <3 Thanks everyone!

2008: The Memories and Accomplishments
Funniest Memory? Oh, Zach. "STFU!"
Saddest Memory? I'm sorry.
Best Accomplishments? Learning to take care of myself.

2008: All About You
Did you change at all this year? A little, and yet a lot.
Was 2008 a good year? Yes.
Did 2008 bring any new insights? It brought many.
Do you think 2009 will top 2008? I guarantee it.
Do you have any goals for 2009? Above all, be happy.
Do you wish 2008 wouldn't end? In some ways, yes. In some ways, no.
Do you plan to do anything special for NYE 2008? Babysitting the twins in the morning (this seems to be becoming a trend) and then possibly headed into the city? Not sure.
Will you be kissing anyone at midnight? Anything is possible, but I doubt it.

     So much has changed, and yet so much has stayed the same. I can only hope that 2009 will be just as interesting, just as lively, a little less heartbreaking and a little less filled with drama. That's all I can really ask for. 
     Merry Christmas, everyone.

tzaizen.

I believe this is for the best.

tzaizen.